Friday, September 9, 2016

State of the Blog

There are three thoughts weighing on my mind right now re: the state of the blog:

1) although I spend a solid amount of time reading blogs, it seems to be a dying medium and pretty much nobody I know reads blogs like I do
2) as a corollary to #1 - I'm pretty sure only like 4 people read my blog on the reg.  Which is fine, EXECPT for the fact I save my funny stories for the blog and then don't tell them in real life since I don't want to bore people with the same stories again, but then when I make reference to something months later, I realize nobody knows my hilarious shame.  I want to share this shame. In real time.  Like all millenials.
3) blogging is difficult when I don't have my personal computer - aka on work trips - and since I have a bunch coming up, the blog will be off for like ohhh the next 3 months.

SO I'm considering either shutting her down or converting to an email distribution list similar to the old school emails I used to send.  Anyone have any thoughts or feeling on this?

In the mean time, I'll share some of my favorite gifs of the moment:

It's the best combination of judgment and disappointment


Sunday, August 28, 2016

Target = Life

My mom came to town for a quick girl's weekend and let me just say - I am EXHAUSTED.  She decided I needed to finally get some adult furniture and let me just say, she is not wrong.  Half of my stuff is left over from law school, 1/4 is a hodge podge of stuff, and the other 1/4 is actually nice adult furniture.  And since I am inherently cheap when it comes to anything other than purses, I had to talk her down off the Pottery Barn/Restoration Hardware train.  I mean, let's be real, I'm an adult but I'm still cheap.  Also, my couch is from Pottery Barn and I am still having buyer's remorse.

Instead, I tried to talk her down off a buying spree into a looking and planning trip. I failed; HOWEVER, I did succeed in making it somewhat budget friendly.  But my day went as follows: At Home - Ikea - Target - Target - Home Goods - Marshalls - Pier One - Marshalls - TJ Maxx - Target - Target - At Home -  Target - Target - Target.

I KID YOU NOT - SEVEN TRIPS TO TARGET.  I mean, it was 4 different Targets, but still.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Gym Weirdness

I spent pretty much every night this week glued to my tv watching the Olympics (because you know, I'm a true American) which meant my only human interactions were work and the gym.  And it wouldn't be a trip without some weirdness. And mine was all gym related.
It started on Day 1.  I'm crusin' on the elliptical when this guy gets on the treadmill next to me and I watch him struggle for a few seconds.  Now, this treadmill has been broken for... oh... 6 months minimum, but trying to give the hotel the benefit of the doubt and not knowing if they might have fixed it, I gave him a minute to see if it was user error or the machine. It was the machine. I then ever so nicely take out an earbud to let him know it's broken.  Thanks are exchanged, he moves on to a different machine, and I think nothing of it.  Until that night at the bar, when he sees me and comes over to thank me again and ask me to come sit and grab a drink with him. I politely refuse and go watch the Olympics. #america

Then the next day the same guy is trolling me at the gym.  And by trolling, I mean walking back and forth in front of the gym door looking at me every 3-5 minutes.  And trying to not be uppity, I considered whether he was checking out what equipment was free, what was taken, if it was too crowded, if it was too empty, but it was a nice balance of empty without being just me in there, so overall just a little odd.  But then he did it again the next day and it ratcheted up the weirdness scale from a little bit odd to full on odd.  And then the clincher - that next night at the bar I see him and his friends and one of them comes up to me "Oh hey, I heard you're that girl that let such and such know the treadmill was broken."  Well yes, I was and now I think this whole thing is very odd.  I have become the legendary treadmill whisperer and feature of guy's night out stories.  And that falls off the weirdness/oddity scale into the land of sadness.

Little did I know I would have appreciated the company of the subtle creeper when I encountered the total creeper later that week.
Like most narrow, slightly depressing gym hotels, this one is configured with cardio equipment facing a wall with some TVs and the weights and mirrors directly behind the cardio.  So I'm on the elliptical with two other people in the gym, a girl on the treadmill and a guy doing some free weights. The girl leaves about 5 minutes into my workout and then I realize I can't see the guy in the gym either.  Not weird until I realize he has moved to stand DIRECTLY BEHIND ME.
Now this just straight up creeps me out.  I'm not sure if I'm being irrational or not (I probably am) but I still maintain it's weird for him to be standing in the only place I can't see him.  My proverbial gym blindspot.  Because in my mind, all I could think is that he's going to come up and conk me on the back of the head with one of those weights and drag me out of there and I wouldn't even see it coming.  And I'm sure he probably didn't realize the full implications of him standing behind me and was likely just the average creeper joe who was staring at my butt in the mirror, but still, give a girl some breathing room!!  I was so creeped out that I had to cut the cardio short, move to a separate part of the gym, and then start the miscellaneous calisthenics portion of my "routine" while giving him the not even close to being subtle stink eye.  I use the word "routine" hear very loosely since I have a directive from my trainer of things to do while on the road, of which I accomplish approximately half.  This is not a humble brag, just a sad fact of my life.  As such, it's entirely possible he confused my stink eye with an expression of misery due to my lack of physical fitness, but I'm pretty sure at least I made an impression.
*Note to a specific reader that does not watch the Olympics, you won't get this picture and why it's absolutely perfect, but it is. Trust me.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Random Collection of Thoughts

As you know, I've been off gallivanting on work travels so nothing overly awkward, just a random collection of thoughts and observations:
- I had a tangelo for the first time in my life today.  In case you didn't know (I didn't) a tangelo is a cross between a tangerine and a grapefruit.  It's a good thing I didn't know this before I bought it or else I wouldn't have made the purchase.  I thought a tangelo would be a tangerine and an orange. Although, follow me on this tangent, I'm not sure why you'd really need to cross those.  I mean, isn't a tangerine just like a small sweet orange? I always imagined a tangerine was like a cross hybrid orange from Tangier or something. A tiny exotic orange.  Turns out that is also not true.  Today is a day of citrus disillusionment... Anyway, in my mind I did not see grapefruit entering the mix.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy grapefruit, I had grapefruit for breakfast everyday last week, but still, it was just not even within the realm of possibility for me.  I was wrong and tangelos are delicious.

- I woke up yesterday and had no idea where I was.  Like a solid 15 seconds of sheer panic.  15 seconds may be a lot.  At least 5.  Maybe 10... At least 5 and up to 15 seconds.  Even my fitness watch validates a troublesome spike in my heart rate.
- I got a fitness watch and have become one of those crazy loon type people that talk to it.  Let's be real, I talk to a lot of inanimate objects, but this might be the most troublesome development since I talk to it in public.  I got it for tracking calories and heart rate when I work out and since I'm so out of shape I consider taking the stairs at work to be a workout, getting a chest strap like a real athlete seemed like a bit much.  So fitness watch it is! And while I love it for general tracking purposes, it also buzzes at me after a certain period of inactivity.  Like all day at work.  And then I'm that crazy person at my desk, clearly alone and not on the phone, talking to myself like "yes, I know I haven't moved in an hour, I don't need your judgment right now.  For the love..., yes, yes I can get up and take a lap around the floor to clear this stupid alert but exactly how many steps will it take to keep you happy? I don't have all day. This is ridiculous, fine. FINE. I'm getting up now.  Well, right after this email..." Repeat again in 2 hours. You're welcome, coworkers. You're welcome.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Spinster Moments

Do you ever have those "I could die alone and nobody would notice" moments?  Ok, so maybe that's a little overly dramatic, but I've been... let's say "aware" of that ever since college.  In college, I lived in the basement of my dormitory.  It was a small, all girls dorm and it was amazing, but I was THE ONLY ROOM IN THE BASEMENT.  Literally, like a scene from a horror movie, it was my room, the kitchen, and the laundry room.  Down a long hallway.  Aka exactly a scene from a horror movie. Upon learning this, my skating coach told me she was going to get me a life alert necklace, you know, just in case something happened to me and nobody noticed for days.
Still living alone years later, every now and then I wonder what would happen if I had an accident. Like, what if I choked on this giant piece of cake? Would I be able to crawl to the elevator and hit "1" and make it to the front desk in time? Or would I pass out before I got to the lobby and have the elevator doors just closing repeatedly on my head?

I had one of those moments today.  I did not choke.  Instead I dropped the faceplate of a kitchen drawer on my foot.  I'm not sure what exactly you call it (clearly I have not yet reached full adulting status) but I pulled the front of my silverware drawer off the other day and was attempting to screw it back on.  I had one side screwed in and was switching to the other side when BAM - the entire front thingy came crashing down on my foot.  Luckily (?) it landed directly on the top middle of my foot (the bridge?) which is now purple, red, skinned, and very, very bruised.  And since I'm not at full adulting status yet, I also don't have ice in my house.  But I do have frozen grapes. So life lesson of the day: a baggie full of frozen grapes serves as 1) a delicious snack and 2) an emergency cold pack in case of injury.

Also, my random thought of the day: play sudoku on the train is like the adult version of the game Operation.  So true.  You'll understand when you see me cursing on the train, like NO, I did not mean to hit 4, I clearly meant 5 there. UGH. There goes my perfect game score... Now I just need to start a new game. THE WORST. 

Sunday, July 31, 2016

You know that expression "never put off till tomorrow what you can do today"?  Well I did, and it came back to bite me.  A service light came on in my car last week telling me I needed to get an oil change.  While I had the time earlier, I just really wasn't feeling all that motivated and decided I could do it Saturday.   So I looked up the hours at my local AAA service center and decided I would arrive right at 10 when it opened and hopefully be in and out.  Imagine my surprise when I pull up and the place is packed!  Apparently the travel side opens at 10 and the car part opens at 8.  Oops.  NBD, I can just hang out and read for 2 hours.  And if you know me, you know that actually was not said with sarcasm - I can hang out anywhere so long as I have a good book.

2 hours later the service guy comes out to tell me that my front two tires need to be replaced.  Unfortunately, they don't have the tires in stock but they can order them for me.   Again, generally not phased by this since my tires were pretty old.  I go on my merry way, arrive home, look at the treads on my tire, and get out old trusty Abe Lincoln.  It's not that I don't trust AAA, but I mean, a second opinion from honest Abe never hurts.  And imagine my surprise when I find a nail in my back tire.  HEAVY SIGH.   Not that a nail is generally devastating, but I'm about to head out for a work road trip and do not that want that bad boy shaking loose and causing a leak and flat tire on the side of the highway in Alabama.   Back to AAA I go.

Turns out AAA will not patch or plug a hole, so they sent me up to Shell to have it done there.  Turns out Shell cannot plug the hole since its too close to the side of the tire and the guys said it'll just split.  AWESOME.  So literally, I need to leave Monday morning to drive to Alabama, have 2 front bald tires, a nail in a back tire, and accordingly now need to buy 4 new tires. Today.   At this point, I'm over it, hungry, frustrated, and hungry.  And you know who saved me? COSTCO.  I love that place.
But seriously, Costco had the exact tires I needed, cheaper than AAA, and would have them on in 2 hours.  I then spent the next 2 hours wandering around Costco, indulging in free samples, sitting in their display furniture for awkwardly long periods of time, considering what household items I might need to buy for no reason, pondering if I should purchase the 7 foot teddy bear, and eating more free samples.  But seriously, the free samples were key to saving me from turning into an absolute hangry lunatic  #nojudgment

Moral of the story: Costco.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I Give Up

I should just never be able to fly to Chicago again. I'm serious. It never works out. NEVER.  The last time I flew to Chicago for a surprise baby shower I was delayed by 10 hours.  As in, the airline was literally telling people the weather was so bad they would just refund the ticket price. But nope, I soldiered on.  My flight home was cancelled.
With that as a baseline, I tempted fate again and flew out to Chicago.  And things start off well - I get to the airport, breeze through security, get to my plane, board in a timely manner.... and then things start to go downhill.  We taxi on back and then stop. And move a little. And then stop.  And then the rain comes.  And by rain, I mean it started with the occasional plip plop, then darkening skies, then some rumbles of thunder, which then progresses to sheeting torrents of water and a black sky. Ohhhhh joy.  Yup, a ground stop for all westward flights until the weather passes.  2 hours later, the pilot comes back on and lets us know the ground stop has lifted and we are #40 in line for take off. FORTY.  At this point, I had abandoned airplane mode and am searching what the time is for triggering the tarmac rule (FYI - 3 hours and then the DOT fines $27,500/passenger).

If you've ever flown with me, you know what it means that I turned my cell service back on.  I am nothing if not an airline rule follower.  I do not unbuckle my seat belt mid flight. I read the safety pamphlet in each plane I get on.  I count the rows of seats between me and the nearest exit.  Clearly I have issues, but regardless, I'm trying to figure out if we'll actually have to wait this long or if by the time we finally make it up there, we'll have to return to the gate to refuel.  It seems the pilots and tower were probs also doing the same calculation and suddenly we jumped to #8 and made it only 2.5 hours late.  Boom.  Also - during that 2 hour wait w/o cell service? I watched Twilight. #yolo

With all that drama on the way there, the way back should be a breeze, right? Wrong. The fates conspired to laugh at my hopeful naïveté.  In fairness, I was kind of expecting this.  When it rains, it pours. HAHAH see what I did there? See? Anyway, Chicago was having extreme heat and storms but they were supposed to be earlier in the afternoon and cleared by the time I had my flight.
Again, I get to the airport early and agin BREEZE through security.  I mean literally ONE PERSON in front of me at pre-check.  AT O'HARE!  I have honestly never seen that happen in my life. Ever. Even at smaller airports. Surely this might be a sign of good things to come? No. Nope. Not even.  The weather comes in, as expected, accompanied with booming thunder and lightening.  Full ground stop. Flights are getting re-routed, diverted, cancelled, etc.  And still, I sit there with a stupid amount of faith in Delta.  And Delta came through. Kind of.  The flight sits at "on time" for a ridiculous amount of time, even past the actual scheduled departure, and then slowly moves back 45 minutes, then an hour, then 1.5 hours, then once the storm passes the other flights are able to come in and we're finally able to board.  And then we taxi. And then we wait for other delayed flights to take off.  And then the captain comes on.  It turns out that while we were waiting another storm has popped up and we have to wait again for the lightening to stop.
Sure, yup, I get it. I most certainly do not want to be flying in lightening.  But for the love - I am tired and at this point am getting home not Sunday night as planned, but into the wee hours of Monday morning and all I want to do is sleep.  And of course, I am sitting next to a screaming baby. Not. Even. Kidding.  (I realize I'm overusing word period word period but it seems more appropriate in this post than ever.) I'm talking this 7 month old baby is screaming inconsolably. And his parents are not trying. And I get it, there is probably nothing they can do at this point since he's so worked up. But at least fake it. I'm serious, at least give the little guy the occasional bounce on the knee, rub/bump/pat on the back, soothing clucking sounds, something, anything to let me know you at least give a single F.  Just one F.  Just a one.  Nope.  I made it home by 2am.