Friday, August 21, 2015

TGJ (The Gay Jew)

Not unlike The BFG, except today's title is brought to you by eHarmony instead of Roald Dahl.  So a bit of backstory and then some more backstory before you think I'm a homophobic antisemite.

I have hit the dregs of eHarm matches.  I'm talking my "Today's Matches" have included 24 year olds, 44 year olds, people that live in other states, etc.  I'm just saying, my radius for eligibility is closer to 30 miles than 300 miles.  Please stop sending me people that live in South Carolina or Alabama... particularly Alabama.  If there was a "no Alabama" filter, I'd have selected it.  Also, if you're giving duckface and have misspelled your own name, you're not for me.  I feel like that should be a line from a Jeff Foxworthy joke, but legitimately I had a match named *I think* Ryan, but he had spelled it Rysn and was giving duckface. In a selfie. In a flat brimmed hat.  And a man tank.  Some people should not be allowed to date, let alone attempt to procreate.

Today my match was The Gay Jew.  I have actually met TGJ before.  Fun fact: TGJ is neither gay nor jewish.  Which actually is sad, since those are two groups with which I tend to excel.  I attribute the first to hanging out in ice rinks and dance studios growing up and have no reasons for the second except perhaps my love of matzo.  Sidenote: Streits lightly salted matzo puts saltines to shame. TO. SHAME.  Anyway, back to TGJ.  I met TGJ at trivia one night when TGJ joined the Crazy Crier.   CC earned himself this nickname as the first two times I met him, he broke down crying over his ex-girlfriend.   Not like a few drunken tears, but like the same torrent of tears I had while watching Call the Midwife.  Listen, I get it, breakups are hard, but you save your tears for your pillow like a man... or like a 5 year old in a tutu. Moral of the story: nut up

Second fun fact of the night: TGJ is actually this kid's real life nickname.  Not kidding, this is not something I made up for the sake of anonymity on this blog.  He earned the nickname when first introduced to CC, as CC was warned to watch what he said to say around said new acquaintance, as he was both gay and jewish.  Which is amusing on the front end because CC is a pretty open guy and while prone to making extremely off-color jokes, rarely in a way that offends you personally, usually just in a way that offends your morality.  But I'm also amused by how that must have played out on TGJ's side when he had to then correct that assumption. Ah chuckles. Anyway, TGJ is not a dateable option because he shaves his arms.  He's also a little to hip for me - not in a super granola way, more like in a "oh I like to live in a gentrified neighborhood and bring my own growler with me" kind of way.  But really it's the arms. That's weird. I mean, I know I'm trying to be more open, but a girl needs to draw the line somewhere. And ask yourself, am I wrong?  Am I wrong? Exactly. 

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