Thursday, November 19, 2015

Feeling My Age

No, this is not a post about the aches and pains that come along with getting older. And yes, those do actually happen although I realize that makes me sound like I'm 65. But let's be real, I'm pretty much a like a 65 y.o. cranky old man anyway, I just don't smell like Aspercream... yet. But this really relates to realizing some things in life have passed you by.  You know like when you realize you are a DECADE older than the contestants on The Bachelor.  I mean, how do these girls look like they are 35 but are only 24?!  I can barely do my hair everyday, let alone trying to achieve a perfectly contoured face while matching my bikini coverup to my white zin wine cooler.  But whenever that gets you down, let's not forget about this gem of a contestant:

This girl is a Kim K wannabe/online makeup blogger (....) whose eyelashes look more like tarantula legs than lashes.  Yes, we can all appreciate the layers upon layers on mascara and falsies you applied, but girl... really?   In fairness, I'll give her props for getting her ugly cry on while on national TV. That takes a level of DILLIGAF that I just don't have.  She gives 0 Fs about how she looks on tv, crying, sobbing, hysterically, every week.  Sooooo in retrospect there are some good things that happen with age...

This leads up to what actually prompted this post.  As you may know, I'm currently staycationing trying to burn up extra vacation days, so obviously I'm getting my Netflix on.  And since we've established I'm a cranky old man, I'm watching a bunch of PBS, CNN, and History Channel documentaries and specials. Including Lisa Ling's This is Life.  Enter the episode about sugar daddies and sugar babies.  I'm well acquainted with the term "sugar daddy" but "sugar baby" was new to me. It's super creepy, but I digress. As predicted it starts off in NYC and I anticipate it'll also maybe go to LA since there are so many beautiful young women trying to "make it".  Oh no, I was wrong. Apparently the second biggest place for the sugar baby industry is ATLANTA!!! I guess Luda was right when he said welcome to Atlanta where the players play.

FYI: this girl was awful. Such a stank face.  Anyway, the episode is mainly based off the Seeking Arrangements website and includes a series of screen shots from the website showing the options, sign up choices, etc. and literally the oldest girl on there was 25.  And listen, I am all for this movement. I'm not judging it or any of the girls that do it.  Have you seen Sabrina?  And I'm not talking about Sabrina's methods, I'm talking about her dad.  He listened while driving, invested and traded like Mr. Larribee, and amassed himself a nice little chunk of change.  Boss Move.  Mad respect.  So if these girls are going to surround themselves with money makers, milk it for all you can get.  Also, this may explain the prevalence of designer goods on girls that don't look like they've yet graduated from college.  Beauty school, maybe, but that might be the jealousy talking.  Seriously, someone needs to teach me this contouring thing.  

Actually applying a full face of makeup might be something I aspire to, but the rest... not so much. Because seriously, WAY too exhausting.  I'd rather aspire to the new "trophy wife" aka power couple status.  Like Amal Clooney but with lighter eyebrows.  And less Dolce.

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