Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Super Southern

I had a super southern moment the other day at Panera. I'm sitting there, minding my own business (total lie), when two young/middle-aged gentlemen sit across from me.  These guys are the epitome of the south - golf polos, khaki shorts, croakies, belts embroidered with fish and some indecipherable blobs.  Basically the uniform for men of the south.  Think I'm kidding? Exhibit A:
I initially started eavesdropping when they were talking about shotguns.  I mean, this is the south and very pro-gun but still, with everything going on in the world, it seemed like a pretty brazen public restaurant lunchtime conversation.  Nope.  About 30 seconds later I realized they were talking about football plays.  It was Friday Night Lights right in front of my eyes!

At this point I give up all pretense of eavesdropping and am downright staring at them and listening. A few things I learned: I know nothing about football, I'm confused about what positions actually do what, and that Jimmy really needs to get his S*!% together.  But the longer that I listen, the more I realized that diagramming plays is just like choreographing synchro programs.  Shockingly similar really.  I couldn't help but think that it might have been easier to understand if they adopted my own method: putting names on nail polish bottles and moving them around.  I mean, how much easier would it be if good ol' Jimmy was Cajun Shrimp and the quarterback was Lincoln Park After Dark, the lineman was Bubble Bath.

Think of the endless possibilities!! Calling plays would be so much more entertaining: Cajun Shrimp runs the blitz around Lincoln Park, Bubble Bath opens the lane, Big Apple Red runs the shot gun, and Suzis Hungary Again runs it in for the TD.  Everyone stop and applaud the use of football terms in that sentence even though I'm not sure what a blitz or shotgun mean.  And back on it, you've just given your entire team nicknames. Done and done.  Someone license the rights to this idea. GENIUS.

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