Monday, July 4, 2016

The Original Brexit

Happy Fourth of July aka Independence Day aka a holiday for the bro-iest of bros and the nerdiest of nerds.  So bust out your flag aviators, your copy of the Declaration of Independence, and embrace life. Skys out, thighs out; suns out, gun out; and a new one for me: chips out, nips out.

It seems just about every city has a marathon, half marathon, 10k, 6k, 4 miler, or block walk for the 4th.  If you know me, you know I am not a runner.  And I don't mean that in any sort of self deprecating way,  as in oh my mile time still isn't under 8 minutes. I mean my "mile time" is however long it takes me to walk it.  I'm pretty sure I can claim a sub-15.  That's about it.  I legitimately don't run.  BUT in an effort to be a good sport about things, I went to go watch the local race this morning.

Let's start at the beginning: when did it become a thing to go watch a race?  I get it, you're providing support and encouragement to people who might be struggling, it's the spirit of the crowd that lifts you through, my lone voice in the crowd of cheers may be the single motivating factor to that anonymous runner to get them through to the end (doubtful).  But that is a lot of pressure.  And I'm fairly curmudgeonly so there is a solid 50/50 chance I will not be motivated enough to commit to a constant cheer.  Let's be real, I just got home so it's more like 100% chance. Runners train for these things.  I have not trained my vocal chords to sustain hours of cheering.  I'm awful.  I realize this.  In my defense (if it's even possible at this point) I will muster up a solid cheer for themed outfits, kids, the disabled, and anyone else sufficiently deserving.  It's a high bar.

While clearly I am not winning friends or influencing people at the race, I realllllly tried the other night in the elevator.  And by tried, I mean that I tried to diffuse an awkward situation and it was just sad.
I'm already on the elevator heading down and it stops and 4 people get on - 2 couples.  One of the ladies looks at me and goes "oh, where's your puppy?" I don't have a puppy.  I then give her the eye crinkle question look as if to say "huh" and then aloud say "oh, nope that's not me."  And then things get weird:
Her: What? It's not?! (She is now clearly embarrassed in front of her friends)
Me: Nope. (politely laughing to diffuse the situation)
Her: Oh my gosh, you look just like that girl with the chocolate labradoodle. (Why won't she let this go?! but clearly she's saving face, so I'm going to play along)
Me: Oh yeah, I know exactly who you are talking about.
Her: Well they do say everyone has a doppelgänger and yours lives in our building! So do you know her? (WHHYYYYY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!)
Me: Actually, it's funny - someone else once confused us and I had no idea who she was talking about but I met her the other day out at the pool. (It's like word vomit, total lies, I have no idea who she is talking about, I've never even been to the pool, I'm not sure if this girl goes to the pool, I'm not even sure she exists!!)
Her: Oh that's too funny. Well this is awkward but so glad I'm not the only one...!
Me: Yup.... (fade into silence)

I should never take elevators.

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